By STACY TREVENON-Half Moon Bay Review

It seemed kismet for Lois Kellerman to write a guidebook for couples seeking the spiritual core of their partnership, and that it include a system of commitments that make for a dynamic union.

"Marriage from the Heart," published April 29 and written by Kellerman and Nelly Bly, is such a book. It arises out of Kellerman's previous incarnations as a teacher, social worker, pastoral counselor and "Leader" - something like a member of the clergy - in what she calls "one of the world's best-kept secrets," the 126-year-old group Ethical Culture.

"I wanted the book to take universal aspects of traditions and share them in a way that anyone could find something for themselves," said Kellerman, a Half Moon Bay resident, of her book.

Structured to offer a grounding that is open-ended for growth as individuals and as a couple, "Marriage from the Heart" sets forth eight commitments for a spiritually fulfilling life together. Kellerman developed the concept through her work as a counselor and Leader.

The book, which reads like a gentle manual for couples seeking to become aware of feelings, processes and potentials, is brought to life with anecdotes. It is also spiced with quotes from writers, world leaders and sages.

The eight commitments - centering, choosing, honoring, caring, abiding, repairing, listening, and celebrating - are designed with an eye toward unveiling mysteries of communication and connections between people. They are also a way to find home within each other.

"I felt a mission," Kellerman explained. "Families are so eroded by (today's) rapid pace and dysfunctional systems. They haven't found a holding place. They're still struggling with how to construct that."

Her co-author, Nelly Bly, is a New York writer who hooked up with Kellerman through her agent. It seemed more fate than coincidence that Bly shares the same name as the subject of a biography written by Kellerman's mother, Mignon Rittenhouse. The book, "The Amazing Nellie Bly," told the story of a pioneer woman journalist. Before the book, Rittenhouse had herself been a pioneer reporter struggling to gain credence in her field in New York in the 1920s.

Today, Kellerman said, she'd love to show her mother her success.

"In a funny way, it's as though Mother sent her support through someone of the name Nelly Bly," Kellerman said.

Her book fills a need, she said. "I felt a mission to bring forth something that the larger community can use."

Tenets of Ethical Culture pervade her writing.

Ethical Culture, with which Kellerman has been involved since 1979, is based on ethical behavior in the context of community.

Members of the Ethical Culture community, which never exceeded more than 6,000 internationally, Kellerman said, hold no general stance on the existence of God.

Rather, what spiritually characterizes them, she said, is a passion for the question of how one to live their life. That's expressed through the tenet of "deed before creed," or ethical living in the context of the culture.

"We encounter ethical questions at a level (as) profound as a religious quest, which means we accept no easy answers," she said.

The philosophy is similar to that of the Unitarians, Kellerman said, in that it attracts people of a variety of theological backgrounds who want a deep community experience that fosters transformation and life learning and is not based on blind acceptance. "You don't park your mind at the door," she said. "It is faith with an aspect of reason."

It was founded during the free religious movement of the late 1800s by a group of reformed Jews, rooted in American transcendentalism and the ethical inquiry of Judaism, Kellerman said.

Kellerman became involved when she, a Protestant, and her Jewish husband, Hal, sought a common community with values in which to raise their son David, then 3.

"I came across this incredible group of people who based their faith on celebrating diversity, welcoming of goodwill, and basing one's spiritual life on the exploration and practice of ethical conduct," she wrote in her book. "In discovering this resource for my family, I stumbled across my life's work as well."

The foundation for that work was laid in Kellerman's childhood in New York City, when she "wrote books" with her crayons and assumed she'd be a writer.

She attended Syracuse University and studied English, in which she later earned her first master's degree. She took part in a Ford Foundation progressive-education program and then went to Long Island to teach junior high school.

That was a challenge due to the social upheavals of the late 1960s. In time, she and Hal, whom she married in 1967, fled to Manhattan seeking a more artistic lifestyle.

The following year, she became a social worker and worked in the Bronx for the New York City department of social services.

"I think every American should have a year of social work experience," she said. "It opened me up to a reality that was all around me, but invisible till then."

Over time, she also worked as the coordinator for the Industrial Home for the Blind, and earned her second master's degree in social research. She also did a stint in technical writing for the burgeoning computer industry while raising her son, until she became involved with Ethical Culture.

Within a year, she was recruited as one of the first women Leaders. One aspect of that work was pastoral counseling with couples.

"It was a wonderful profession for a generalist," she said. "I got to do everything. It was never boring. It used every skill I had learned."

She sums it up with a turn of phrase: "Look back, you see fate; look ahead, you see destiny."

Her destiny came about when she noticed how society oriented people. She embarked on a project to identify and define core human values. That project evolved into her eight commitments.

To date, she has counseled hundreds of couples. She has also served as an officer of the Harvard-based Association for Moral Education, and as the co-chair of the Columbia University Moral Education Seminar.

She leaves Friday for a four-city United States tour, co-sponsored by the national board of the American Ethical Union and Viking Compass books. Her book will soon be featured at Bay Book Company.